What have I done?

What have I done?

Oh, gods, what have I done?

Was it all a mistake?  Did I overreact?
Should I have left more than just a haiku?  Should we have sat down and talked?

*sigh* I just don't know.  I've spent nearly every day since I left in tears.  I can't believe I'd somehow thought she'd lost interest in me or stopped loving me.  Every day feels like a knife twist in my heart, and all I want to do is turn this shuttle around and fly right back to her arms and never leave her side ever again.

I have to fight myself not to send a wave to her.. even something as simple as "I still love you. I'm sorry."

But I'm scared. I'm scared of what she'd say.  Scared I'd be right and that she doesn't care.  Even more scared I'd be wrong & that I hurt her as much I hurt myself this time.

I don't even know where I'm going.  Mostly I just leave the shuttle on auto-pilot and curl up with my head on my knees and sob.  I don't have a future, don't have a home, don't have a family, and the worst part is that I guess I did it to myself.  All over some damn foolish pride.

The whiskey bottle's not much comfort, but it's all I've got for now.  I almost wish she'd come after me and hunt me down, to either put me out of my misery or just to tell me what a damn fool I've been, just so I could look into her eyes one last time.

I just wish things could go back to the way they were and they can't, won't ever be the same.

Where do we go from here?

Where do we go from here?
Where do we go from here?
The battle's done
And we kind of won
So we sound our victory cheer
Where do we go from here?

Why is the path unclear?
When we know home is near
Understand
We'll go hand in hand
But we'll walk alone in fear
Tell me
Where do we go from here?

When does the end appear?
When do the trumpets cheer?
The curtains closed
On a kiss God knows
We can tell the end is near
Where do we go from here?
"Where do we go from here?" - From "Once More, with Feeling" - Buffy The Vampire Slayer

Things have changed.

I suppose I shouldn't be surprised. Time is relative, to the observer, science says, and Albert Einstein once postulated that a person traveling at the speed of light in space would age slower than a stationary person on Earth-that-was. That's kinda relevant in the 'Verse, what with space travel being pretty common out here.

I don't feel like I've changed at all, but my world has.

So where do we go from here?

Seana's world and life kept on going without me while I was off working with Uncle Elsoph. All the stuff with Lily, Aurora and her job, it all kept going. I didn't have much of a life in the core, didn't socialize, didn't meet people, it was all work, work, work, 'cos I knew my "real life" would be waiting for me back home.

Except it wasn't. Hell, the rock I lived on doesn't even exist anymore. A lot of folks, good friends, chosen family are gone, spread to the four winds or worse. The few that remain, well, are either playing the same worn-out record of their lives, never making any progress. I suppose maybe I'm one of them.

Seana's off doing her thing most days, and I can't find people to relate to. I'm even having a hard time relating to her. I worry I was gone so long that she's moved on, the spark is gone. I don't think she'd ever stop loving me, or fall out of love, but I think we've moved past where we work together as a partnership anymore. She seems to have made connections with other folks, even a man or two.

I just don't feel like this is "home" anymore. My "home" doesn't even exist. It's been exploded into rubble.

I still love Seana more than anything, and it kills me that I feel like I screwed up our relationship by going away. Seana showed me that I wasn't doomed to tragic failures of relationships like I'd had back on the Raven; but even this one apparently couldn't last, although it lasted a lot longer than I probably deserved.

So where do I go from here? I don't know. I don't think I have any real loose ends here to worry about. I know Elsoph would always welcome me back working for him, but I don't know if it's appropriate to leave one's wife and still be attached to her family. Maybe I'll just find another ship and roam around the Rim like I used to.

I suppose in some ways it's ironic, but I know how much she loved them, so I'll leave her a little note.

Time has changed us much

I no longer have a home

Into the sunset

Out of my depths, treading water

Spent the last few days trying to get sorted out and unpacked and get living arrangements made.  Apparently Dragon's Egg is a frozen wasteland, a lot different from what I'm used to.  I'm told there's not a lot of settlers actually *living* on the surface right now, but my info is sketchy.  I never was one to keep up with all the news of the 'Verse outside my little sphere of influence, and my time with Elsoph kept me mostly insulated from any concerns save power converters and ion drives.

So now, I sit.  I wait.  I read the Cortex, trying to get some sort of handle on what all has happened in my absence, learn about this new world I've come back to, learn what happened to my old world, learn what happened to my loved ones.

It's also a good time to think about my life, where I'm going, what I'm doing.  I'm not as young or as painfully optimistic as I once was, working on the Core wore that away long ago. Certainly I'm no bitter cynic yet, but maybe not so obnoxiously cheerful as I once was.  I'm still the best damn mechanic (technically, thanks to Elsoph's wrangling, 'Engineer Class A-II' ) that you've ever seen, but I find I need to learn how to better live in this world than hiding out and building stuff.

I want to protect my loved ones, like Sea does.  I want to not be afraid of danger when (not if) it comes knocking.  Learn to shoot, not just whack things with a wrench.  I've already got the first lesson, down, I think. I've learned that I can do whatever I put my mind to do, and I'll do whatever I have to do.  Because that's who I am.

It feels strange to have Seana be the busy one for once.  There's so much going on, and I'm beginning to feel useless here.  Maybe that's my karmic payback for being away for so long; now it's my turn to wait.  I want to help and I don't know how.  So all I can do is read the news and watch my old Vids from Earth-that-Was.

Guess I'll put in one of those old outer-space shows.  They always make me laugh and cheer me up 'cos their tech is SOOOOOO wrong. I'll curl up with Haley, thankfully she still remembers me, and nibble on some cookies.

You can go home again.. but is it still home?

There’s not a lot of constants in this ‘verse of ours.  Definitely not a lot of constants in our lives out here on the Ragged torn-thumbnail of frontier spacelife.  But as a wise man on Earth-that-Was once said, the only certainties in life are death and taxes.  That still seems to hold up pretty true here.  But the other constant is that time marches on, and nothing ever stays exactly the same. 

So here’s me, once again logging stuff down on this little cortex diary thing I’ve had since I first picked up a screwdriver.  I left it on our boat when I took off for the Core to help Uncle Elsoph with his various engineering projects for Seana’s family corporation. I wonder if I’dve been better off taking it with me and using it. 

It’s been over a year now since I left.  I got wrapped up in my work.  Didn’t want to think about all the stuff that had gone on, a lot of it was just too much to process.  Revelations about Lilybell, and AuroraBlue, how that changed mine and Seana’s lives, all the upheaval going on down on Hale’s..  Partially, I did it to help Elsoph, and because he dangled the irresistible carrots of playing with shiny new technology in front of me, and the exoticness of finally living and seeing how the other half live on the Core worlds. But I’d be lying if I didn’t say that part of the reason I left, and part of the reason I stayed so long is because I was lying to myself, and trying to ignore all the stuff I couldn’t process.

I couldn’t sleep at night.  Without Seana by my side, sleep was almost impossible.  I tried to substitute body pillows, but it didn’t have her smell, couldn’t wrap arms around me or nuzzle into my neck.  It got to the point where I would just work and work and work until I fell over from sheer exhaustion.  I don’t think anyone realized what was wrong or what I was doing to myself, except maybe for Elsoph.  Maybe he realized I had my own demons to burn out, maybe not, but I don’t know why he let me do it;  maybe because we had so many deadlines and I’m a damned good engineer, sleep deprived or no.  Or maybe because sleep deprivation puts you in that slightly crazy frame of mind where the most insane thing s suddenly make perfect sense and you can pull off amazing miracles?  I don’t know.

Right now I’m fighting new demons. The demons that tell me I was a bad wife.  That I neglected my partner’s needs and let her be alone when she needed me most.  The time on the station had an effect on me, too.  I let myself go, eating nothing but processed Blue Sun burritos and Hot Pockets and Pop Tarts.  My hair looks like hell and I’ve put on weight.  I was never by any stretch of the imagination skinny, but now I’ve definitely got a bit of a belly and love handles. 

My home was destroyed, and I barely even registered it on an emotional level.  Apparently some terraforming mishap on Hale’s and the whole place went blooey;  fortunately, it was a slow kablooey so most folks got off safe, even if they weren’t able to always take al their stuff with them.  I’m told we’re parked above another rock, and I suppose one frontier colony is much the same as another, but still, I’m going to miss Hale’s Moon. 

I woke up recently, and realized I’d changed a lot in a year.  Maybe living on the core has jaded me, or maybe just being away from loved ones for so long, but I don’t feel as optimistic as I used to, or as innocent.  I certainly don’t feel young anymore.  I feel old, and worn out, and used up.  But I also know now that the love I have for my wife kept me going, as well as my love for the wacky ‘kids’ that came into our lives.  That’s one of the things that changed over this year; Me, who thought I never wanted kids, ever, suddenly taking to ‘em.. well, at least the older ones, not so muc h the babies.  I used to spend time with the kids on the station , and I got to be like an Aunt to them.  They even threw me a going away party when I announced that I finally had to come home.

In the end, it got to be too much. I felt like I either was going to kill myself or wither away to nothing if I didn’t go home. I missed my wife, my friends, my family, and my frontier.  The Core was too clean, too civilized, too sterile for my tastes. 

I didn’t even send Seana a wave.  Just hopped the next boat out and kept hopping boats ‘til I got to this new rock we’re parked over, and showed up knocking on the boat’s airlock door, looking disheveled and sheepish when Seana opened the door.  What do you say to your wife for the first time in over a year, what makes up for being gone so long?  What can repair the vacuum between two people that have been apart for so long, one of whom desperately needs the other, needs to know that things haven’t been irreparably damaged to the point of failure?

“I’m home.”

Catching Up..

It's been ages since I've updated this cortex thingie. so much has happened since I last wrote; Blackburne was decimated in a horrible raid, followed by a stressful evac to Hale's -- My shop is gone now, lost to the attack. I'm a permanent resident of Hale's now.

Seana and I are married now. Officially, legally, in the eyes of the law and family and friends and Browncoat and Alliance alike, our lives are entwined now, forever.

I couldn't be happier. Our lives are different, and places and people change, but things are fundamentally the same.

Sea and I, accompanied by Belize, snuck off to Ariel for a weekend a month ago. Her family was waiting, and a small army was entrusted to make preparations for our ceremony, led by Mama K and Sea's old caregiver, Lady Sonja.

Upon arrival, after some initial planning, I was almost immediately waylaid by Uncle Elsoph, as soon as he could steal me away without disturbing the planning too much. He had new technology, new designs to show me, stuff to take back to Hale's with me. Seana reluctantly let me go; she was waylaid by her mother and Sonja who were primarily handling the arrangements.

I was OK with that -- I'm not so much with the girly party planning and only would've been in the way. It was bad enough that I would endure "shopping" with Lady Sonja for my dress - the family was determined to get me in a gown, alongside Seana. I think Seana disliked her gown more than I did mine!

Belize was off doing her own things, I guess, as we didn't see her much. Of course, with the whirlwind preparations, she could've been right there and I wouldn't have known it.

Lady Sonja picked a gorgeous bridal gown for me, and Seana was positively handsome in a long waistcoat. We held the ceremony in a forest grove on the family estate, with elements of western and eastern tradition included. I was told that some of it was part of Shinto, although I was too focused on Seana to notice. Uncle Elsoph stood in for Papa, giving me away, while Seana's father walked her up beside me, Seana's Grandfather stately and proud behind us.

From out of nowhere, all kinds of guests and friends appeared almost out of thin air to celebrate with us and share in our joy.

The ceremony went smoothly, although I barely remember it, the bliss of the moment being the only thing I remember other than Seana's eyes.

Then, it was over as quickly as it had begun, and we were spirited away to our reception where we would share our first moments as a married couple.

The reception was amazing, with gifts and family and food and fun, even if it was a little more traditional and formal than shindigs I'm accustomed to. Lots of congratulations, hugs, and so forth. Then it was over and Seana and I retired to our private room.

The rest of the weekend was wedded bliss and I will say no more about that. *sheepish grin*

The weekend was over far too quickly, and with many hugs and tears, and a cargo hold of supplies, we boarded Wave Equation and burned back for Hale's.

A month later, we got to do it all again -- Belize, bless her heart, organized a shindig at Fook's for the friends and family who couldn't attend the ceremony. My folks were there, giving their approval of Seana, and general and Krenshar and Lilybell and Charly, Garkuyan and Zade, and all kinds of other folks, wishing their best to Seana and Me. Gallagher stopped in and even took a few pictures for us, even!

So now, life goes on. Nothing's changed between Seana and me, what we already knew in our hearts, what we've been living as for months, except now there's no one in the 'Verse who can say we're not. No one can say it isn't real. I love this woman with all of my heart and soul, and I'm constantly surprised that for all my dreams of going to the core to find a sophisticated woman to love, I found my perfect happiness here on the rim, where I least expected to find it.

Folks have taken to calling me "Mrs. Madame Mayor" now, and it makes me giggle.

I wonder what Shen would think?

Busy busy busy..

Been real busy lately with work out on the orbital platforms and stuff.. Seana and I haven't even made time to go back to Ariel so we could officially get "hitched" in the eyes of the Law, the Alliance, and her parents. But it'll happen.

So much just keeping up with repairs, commutin' back and forth between Hale's and Blackburne, all the reavers and raiders and what-not that keep showing up...

Right now I'm startin' to work on a satellite Seana wants to retrofit with drives and navigation. I attached a pic Seana snapped of me working on it..

Not much else to say, really.. Life goes on at Hale's much as it always does.

Updates..

It's been so long since I updated.. things have been so crazy. So much has happened.

Things have been amazing with Seana. We fit together on so many different levels that I don't know of anyone, anywhere that has what we have. And considering that it seems like so many other folks in Blackburne and Hale's are having love life problems, it seems bizarre that Seana and I should be one of the few stable relationships in this world. However, it works, and I couldn't be happier.

I moved in with Seana, sharing her boat on Hale's. I still have my garage on Blackburne, and I still work there and do my usual duties at Firefly's.

A while back Seana and I took a few days to fly to Ariel for the purposes of meeting her family. Seana comes from a very different world than I do; Her family owns one of the largest shipbuilding corporations in the 'Verse, and I wasn't sure what to expect. She also comes from a vastly different cultural background.

Her mother and father were incredibly gracious. I figured the best thing to do was to be on my best, most polite, most formal behavior, given her cultural background, and it apparently impressed them. Seana's mother and father gave their approval for our wedding, but compared to her grandfather, they seemed like normal people. Seana's grandfather was like most stoic, wizened, stereotypical Old Wise Asian(tm) from every old Earth-that-was Vid that you've ever seen.

Somehow I managed to not embarass myself. Somehow, I managed to do everything right and show proper respect, and Seana's grandfather gave his approval. I think partially it was because he could see just how happy Seana was.

The crowning glory of the trip though, was meeing Seana's "crazy" Uncle Elsoph. He's a mad engineer like I am, and obviously we're kindred spirits. We spent a lot of time together in Elsoph's lab discussing thermal engine dynamics, aerodynamic efficiency, and who made a better captain, Kirk or Picard. We hit it off immediately.

Seana took me around the core a bit, we went shopping, went sightseeing, but unfortunately, the trip was over way too soon and we were back on Hale's.


Shortly after we got back to Hale's, more drama came around. Seana, TD, Immy and I all agreed to adopt LilyBell, and officially become a family.. TD proposed to Immy, too.. LilyBell, well, she's always on the move and on the run and I simply can't keep up with everything she's going through, but there's a lot there.

Also, there's still this warbot situation to take care of. The warbot factory operation was seemingly destroyed on Blackburne, although I have my doubts as to whether or not they were totally annihilated. Only time will tell, but I -know- they're still on Hale's, and will be implementing my retro-suicide-virus on them soon. I've got a bot in my posession that I've infected, and now I've got to send it back to the nest and hope it infects it's brethren.

I've signed on to crew with a Firefly as well, the Full Burn.. It'll be similar to when I was on the Raven, shipping out of Washburne, only this time shipping out of Blackburne and Hale's. Seana, Immy, TD, and Belize are crewing as well. We haven't actually gone on any missions yet, but I'm sure we'll ship out soon. But before we do, Seana made TD agree that we'd take Full Burn to the Kawanishi Shipyards for a full refit led by Elsoph and Me before we took on any missions. I can't wait for that.

Until we get Full Burn refitted though, Seana and I are also in the planning stages for our wedding. We call each other wife now, but we aren't officially married yet. May as well be, and the ceremony will just solidify and legitimize to the rest of the 'verse what we already know and feel in our hearts. We're planning on a small ceremony on Ariel, with Seana's family, followed by bigger receptions on Blackburne and Hale's.

So much to do, so little time..