Cortex Entry 12-25-08
Okay, so maybe I spoke too soon.. was a bit premature in my rambling and emo-ness..
Chol wanted to take my hammer and knock some sense into me. Ended up he didn't need to..
Call it a Holiday Miracle, call it hormonal chemistry fixing itself, call it whatever you want.. but I was able to get my head sorted out and straight without having to run away.
I found my Holiday spirit last night. That hasn't happened in a looong time. And I was able to share that with a lot of folks at the bar. And I'm glad for that.
Maybe I need to let Chol have the right to smack me in the head in the future if I get like that.. He used to be really good at that when I was still new at Firefly's and recovering..
In the meantime, though.. Happy Holidays to one and all!
Thursday, December 25, 2008
Monday, December 22, 2008
Retreat and regroup
Cortex Diary, Dec. 23
Something's wrong with me.
I don't know what it is.. but something's definitely wrong. Everything feels wrong. Nothing makes sense in my head.
I feel alone. Even when I'm with everyone at the bar, I feel alone. I feel invisible and unnoticed and unloved and undesirable and just not as good as everyone else. And I know that's not true, but I can't stop feeling it.
I said I wasn't gonna go back out to the wastes anymore.. but I don't know if I can keep this up.. don't know if I can continue to pretend like I'm not hurting. Can't keep pretending to be normal. I'm not normal.
I wonder if I need time away. Maybe head out to the wastes again after the show. Or maybe just lock myself up in the workshop for a while, work on some projects I've been putting off. Just can't keep being around everyone else for a while. Not while they all seem to be having okay lives and I have to keep pretending like mine isn't a pitiful lonely existence.
Maybe Shen wasn't the one who should've fallen on a sword.
Worse still is seeing everyone else -- part of me wants to end it all and be done with it.. and part of me just feels frustration and rage and wants to take it out on all of them. Sometimes feel like I'm gonna start randomly shooting folks 'cos I can't stand to see everyone so gorram cheerful and happy and lovey-dovey. I want to scream.
God.. Buddha.. Whatever.. Something, show me the way. Show me the light. Send me an Angel. Help me, please. Or just leave me alone to die.
Something's wrong with me.
I don't know what it is.. but something's definitely wrong. Everything feels wrong. Nothing makes sense in my head.
I feel alone. Even when I'm with everyone at the bar, I feel alone. I feel invisible and unnoticed and unloved and undesirable and just not as good as everyone else. And I know that's not true, but I can't stop feeling it.
I said I wasn't gonna go back out to the wastes anymore.. but I don't know if I can keep this up.. don't know if I can continue to pretend like I'm not hurting. Can't keep pretending to be normal. I'm not normal.
I wonder if I need time away. Maybe head out to the wastes again after the show. Or maybe just lock myself up in the workshop for a while, work on some projects I've been putting off. Just can't keep being around everyone else for a while. Not while they all seem to be having okay lives and I have to keep pretending like mine isn't a pitiful lonely existence.
Maybe Shen wasn't the one who should've fallen on a sword.
Worse still is seeing everyone else -- part of me wants to end it all and be done with it.. and part of me just feels frustration and rage and wants to take it out on all of them. Sometimes feel like I'm gonna start randomly shooting folks 'cos I can't stand to see everyone so gorram cheerful and happy and lovey-dovey. I want to scream.
God.. Buddha.. Whatever.. Something, show me the way. Show me the light. Send me an Angel. Help me, please. Or just leave me alone to die.
Thursday, December 18, 2008
Some Christmas Amusement for Firefly's from my Demented Brain..
A visit from St. Nackolas.. (and some Xmas Reavers..)
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the bar,
Nothing was stirring, not even Nack's car.
The tip jars were hung by the old truck with care,
In hopes that St. Nackolas soon would be there;
The dancers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of lingerie danced in their heads;
And me in my headphones, I gave Laur a glance,
We'd just settled down for a Firefly's Dance,
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the booth to see what was the matter.
Away to the window Immy flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen dust
Gave the lustre of decay to snow and to rust,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a dirt-ridin' Jeep, trying to steer!
With a little old driver, so lively and stacked,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nack.
More rapid than Lindens his Militia they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Leetie! now, Sabby! now, Immy and Meyers!
On, Cholgosh! on Lorie! , watch out for the fires!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the bar!
Now fire away! fire away! Reavers ain't far!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the porch-top the Militia they flew,
With the guns full of ammo, and St. Nackolas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the top
The screaming and ranting, Oh God, make it stop!
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down into the bunker Nack came with a bound.
He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of guns he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a mercenary just waiting to snap.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his weapons how shiny!
His boots they were spiky, his 'leet not at all whiny!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
And the lift of his brow, whch was really quite queer;
The stump of an arm he held tight in his hand,
And the carnage around him, boy it was grand;
He had a broad face and a .357,
That was guaranteed to take some reavers to heaven.
He was stacked and built, a right jolly old cuss,
And I felt better when I saw him, like the rest of us;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know the reavers were dead;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
No luck for the reavers, I thought with a snerk,
And laying his guns on the counter with care,
And giving a nod, we could do nothing but stare;
He sprang to the Mule, to the Militia gave a yell,
And away we all flew like a bat outta hell.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he ran out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, Good Killing Tonight!"
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the bar,
Nothing was stirring, not even Nack's car.
The tip jars were hung by the old truck with care,
In hopes that St. Nackolas soon would be there;
The dancers were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of lingerie danced in their heads;
And me in my headphones, I gave Laur a glance,
We'd just settled down for a Firefly's Dance,
When out on the porch there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the booth to see what was the matter.
Away to the window Immy flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen dust
Gave the lustre of decay to snow and to rust,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a dirt-ridin' Jeep, trying to steer!
With a little old driver, so lively and stacked,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nack.
More rapid than Lindens his Militia they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
"Now, Leetie! now, Sabby! now, Immy and Meyers!
On, Cholgosh! on Lorie! , watch out for the fires!
To the top of the porch! to the top of the bar!
Now fire away! fire away! Reavers ain't far!"
As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
So up to the porch-top the Militia they flew,
With the guns full of ammo, and St. Nackolas too.
And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the top
The screaming and ranting, Oh God, make it stop!
As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down into the bunker Nack came with a bound.
He was dressed all in leather, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
A bundle of guns he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a mercenary just waiting to snap.
His eyes -- how they twinkled! his weapons how shiny!
His boots they were spiky, his 'leet not at all whiny!
His droll little mouth was drawn up in a sneer,
And the lift of his brow, whch was really quite queer;
The stump of an arm he held tight in his hand,
And the carnage around him, boy it was grand;
He had a broad face and a .357,
That was guaranteed to take some reavers to heaven.
He was stacked and built, a right jolly old cuss,
And I felt better when I saw him, like the rest of us;
A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know the reavers were dead;
He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
No luck for the reavers, I thought with a snerk,
And laying his guns on the counter with care,
And giving a nod, we could do nothing but stare;
He sprang to the Mule, to the Militia gave a yell,
And away we all flew like a bat outta hell.
But I heard him exclaim, ere he ran out of sight,
"Happy Christmas to all, Good Killing Tonight!"
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
I'm just a misfit..
From one of my all time Earth-That-Was books I came across.. VURT by Jeff Noon:
GAME CAT
Awake, you know that dreams exist. Inside a dream you think the dream is reality. Inside a dream you have no knowledge of the waking world.
It is the same with Vurt. In the real world we know that Vurt exists. Inside the Vurt we think that Vurt is reality. You have no knowledge of the real world.
THE HAUNTING. This is the bitch incarnate. Once that ghost has got hold of you, you just gotta go with her. Back to life, back to the boredom. That's how you feel, right? Except that the Haunting ins't a bad thing. What? What's that the Cat's Saying? Haunting isn't bad? Man, the Cat's losing it! Listen up, kittlings.
Only a chosen few get the Haunting. They are the edge riders. Those strange people who can't make their minds up; just what am I? This is their question. Vurt or real? The Haunted are of both worlds; they flicker between the two, like fire flies. What are they? Insect or flame? Both! Believe it. The Haunted are special. They just don't know it yet. The Cat's advice to them; resist the temptation; don't jerk out. Jerking out is giving in. Giving up. Giving up on your true vocation.
The Haunting is calling you; come up, come up! Let me take you higher. The Vurt wants you.
The Cat wants you.
That's how I feel most of the time. Trapped between two worlds. Not sure where I belong or who I am or where I fit in. Or who I fit with.
GAME CAT
Awake, you know that dreams exist. Inside a dream you think the dream is reality. Inside a dream you have no knowledge of the waking world.
It is the same with Vurt. In the real world we know that Vurt exists. Inside the Vurt we think that Vurt is reality. You have no knowledge of the real world.
THE HAUNTING. This is the bitch incarnate. Once that ghost has got hold of you, you just gotta go with her. Back to life, back to the boredom. That's how you feel, right? Except that the Haunting ins't a bad thing. What? What's that the Cat's Saying? Haunting isn't bad? Man, the Cat's losing it! Listen up, kittlings.
Only a chosen few get the Haunting. They are the edge riders. Those strange people who can't make their minds up; just what am I? This is their question. Vurt or real? The Haunted are of both worlds; they flicker between the two, like fire flies. What are they? Insect or flame? Both! Believe it. The Haunted are special. They just don't know it yet. The Cat's advice to them; resist the temptation; don't jerk out. Jerking out is giving in. Giving up. Giving up on your true vocation.
The Haunting is calling you; come up, come up! Let me take you higher. The Vurt wants you.
The Cat wants you.
That's how I feel most of the time. Trapped between two worlds. Not sure where I belong or who I am or where I fit in. Or who I fit with.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Emotions, weakness, failure, terror, loss, loneliness..
Dear Cortex Diary Thingie,
Tonight was not a good night. I stopped in the bar briefly, and saw Chol outside on the porch. Just as I headed over for a relaxing sit-down, poor Jayne started twitching, and before long, Chol had a call out on the cortex for the Militia 'cos it looked like trouble would be forthcoming.
Normally I'm one of the first to pick up a gun or hammer and head out to do my part to help out the town.. But tonight, I couldn't. My emotions are all messed up lately, and everything's so different and strange lately. I know it's close to the holidays, too, and that never helps. Been thinking about the past a lot lately. Haven't had anyone to cuddle for a while..
So, I failed tonight. It was like the first time the reavers attacked Washtown. I couldn't do anything. I was terrified, couldn't fight back, didn't have the energy to even do much more than to make it to the safety of the bar. Amy and Belize were there, trying to help heal people, but all I could really do is cower in the corner. I feel like such a scared, stupid little girl. Maybe I've been running on false bravado for so long that eventually -everybody- runs out and you gotta breakdown, right?
Amy got mad at Chol because he went out to fight. I'm so lonely right now.. Seems like either everyone's got somebody, or like me, they don't and are lonely. Seems like it's even worse for me even though Belize complains there's not enough men at the bar. Think it's harder 'cos there's so many gals at the bar, but none of 'em seem to be into womenfolk.. or maybe just none of 'em into me. 'Spose it doesn't really matter, though. I guess what makes it hardest of all is because I'm in love with someone. Even if other folks were interested in me, I don't know that I could be with 'em or enjoy myself. Been keeping it mostly to myself, though.. 'cos being in love with folks hasn't been so good the last few times, and I don't know that it matters a whit anyways. So I just watch from afar, or from behind the bar or the DJ booth, and wish for things that I can't have.
Immy came back from her retreat. Said she's training to be a companion. Seems kinda all mellow and zen buddha-ey now. Seems kinda odd from her, but if it's what she needs to find peace, then more power to her. I really want her to be happy, 'cos lord knows, we all deserve a little happiness on this rock of ours.
Just wish God or Buddha or whatever could find his way to givin' me a little happiness of my own too. I guess we can't all be strong and brave and fearless all the time, right? Goddess knows, tonight is one of those nights where I wish there was someone else strong who loved me who could hold me in her arms and rock me to sleep and tell me it's gonna be okay, and we'll make a life for ourselves out on this mudball.
Gorramit, I wanna be special to someone, and I want someone to love me as much as I love them and to have all the romance and passion and everything that goes with it, even the arguments and disagreements and jokes and sickness and pain.. I want that kind of love. I know I'm a sucker and I watch too many "Happy Ever After" vids.. but it's gotta be out there somewhere, right? I mean, there can be Happy Ever After in the 'Verse, can't there?
Can't There?
Tonight was not a good night. I stopped in the bar briefly, and saw Chol outside on the porch. Just as I headed over for a relaxing sit-down, poor Jayne started twitching, and before long, Chol had a call out on the cortex for the Militia 'cos it looked like trouble would be forthcoming.
Normally I'm one of the first to pick up a gun or hammer and head out to do my part to help out the town.. But tonight, I couldn't. My emotions are all messed up lately, and everything's so different and strange lately. I know it's close to the holidays, too, and that never helps. Been thinking about the past a lot lately. Haven't had anyone to cuddle for a while..
So, I failed tonight. It was like the first time the reavers attacked Washtown. I couldn't do anything. I was terrified, couldn't fight back, didn't have the energy to even do much more than to make it to the safety of the bar. Amy and Belize were there, trying to help heal people, but all I could really do is cower in the corner. I feel like such a scared, stupid little girl. Maybe I've been running on false bravado for so long that eventually -everybody- runs out and you gotta breakdown, right?
Amy got mad at Chol because he went out to fight. I'm so lonely right now.. Seems like either everyone's got somebody, or like me, they don't and are lonely. Seems like it's even worse for me even though Belize complains there's not enough men at the bar. Think it's harder 'cos there's so many gals at the bar, but none of 'em seem to be into womenfolk.. or maybe just none of 'em into me. 'Spose it doesn't really matter, though. I guess what makes it hardest of all is because I'm in love with someone. Even if other folks were interested in me, I don't know that I could be with 'em or enjoy myself. Been keeping it mostly to myself, though.. 'cos being in love with folks hasn't been so good the last few times, and I don't know that it matters a whit anyways. So I just watch from afar, or from behind the bar or the DJ booth, and wish for things that I can't have.
Immy came back from her retreat. Said she's training to be a companion. Seems kinda all mellow and zen buddha-ey now. Seems kinda odd from her, but if it's what she needs to find peace, then more power to her. I really want her to be happy, 'cos lord knows, we all deserve a little happiness on this rock of ours.
Just wish God or Buddha or whatever could find his way to givin' me a little happiness of my own too. I guess we can't all be strong and brave and fearless all the time, right? Goddess knows, tonight is one of those nights where I wish there was someone else strong who loved me who could hold me in her arms and rock me to sleep and tell me it's gonna be okay, and we'll make a life for ourselves out on this mudball.
Gorramit, I wanna be special to someone, and I want someone to love me as much as I love them and to have all the romance and passion and everything that goes with it, even the arguments and disagreements and jokes and sickness and pain.. I want that kind of love. I know I'm a sucker and I watch too many "Happy Ever After" vids.. but it's gotta be out there somewhere, right? I mean, there can be Happy Ever After in the 'Verse, can't there?
Can't There?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
Time may not heal all wounds, but it does change everything..
Time heals all wounds, or so they say.. I dunno about healing, but change, definitely.
I've spent a lot of time out in the wastes over the last few months, only coming back to Blackburne on occasion here and there to check on folks and make sure everyone's okay, and of course, to drop off loads of salvage.
Well, I have a reason to stay in Blackburne again. Somehow, I don't wanna know how, don't know the details.. but Nack managed to acquire a Firefly. Yes, a Firefly. He's named her the Osprey II after his previous ship.. but it's an honest to god Firefly. He convinced me to help put her back together and get her running ("Convince" me.. *snortle* Like he could've kept me away!)
So.. A big piece of my life that was missing since I left the Raven has returned. Granted she's not the Raven, obviously.. but this one's just as pretty as Raven was, if not prettier, and I can hear her voice calling to me, telling me she needs me. I'll be staying in town now I think, instead of wandering the wastes looking for something I can't find.
Travelling the wastes affects you, as anyone he's witnessed any of the attacks by the Wasteland Raiders will tell you, or seen Anon's reactions to folks. Supposedly there's radiation out there, and bad stuff in the food and water. I've never so much noticed, myself, other than I seem to be a lot stronger than I used to be, as evidenced by everyone who seems amazed at me swinging my giant salvage hammer around.
Well, apparently the wastes can change you when you're not lookin'. Folks almost didn't recognize me when I got back this time. One time I came back from the wastes covered in a full body set of tattoos of gears, and I didn't know where they came from or how I got 'em, I just kinda felt like they'd always been there. This time, they tell me that I'm shorter than they remember, my hair and eyes are different, and I'm bigger than I used to be. I could understand gaining weight, I guess.. but getting shorter? I dunno.. maybe I'm changing or mutating from living on this rock and going out into the wastes.. Sometimes I even feel like I've got a long tail and animal ears!
I've seen myself in the mirror, and I have to admit, I think they might be right. I don't really remember so much or see much difference, but there's a hint or a tickle in the back of my mind that says they're right.
But y'know something? I like my new look. I feel better about myself than I have in a long time, and I think I look pretty damn sexy this way. I feel good, I'm back among friends and family, those that are still here.. and I don't wanna leave, ever again.
I miss a lot of folks, though. X0X0's missing, presumed dead, Shepherd bought it a while back, and now I hear tell that Imrhien's marriage went South, Hale's moon is having hard times, and she's left Blackburne to go retreat and meditate at a Monastery somewhere. One thing about Blackburne I've come to expect -- folks come, folks go. Some ship in with the freelancers, others ship out, and some just plain out disappear.
Fortunately, we got some hardy folks that seem to be able to survive and thrive on our little world; Folks like me, like Chol and Amy, and Nack and Lauralai and Lorie.. people who are making lives for themselves here, finding love and happiness and family despite the hardships we face.
I have a life here too. It's still somewhat of a lonely life, a solitary one.. but I have friends. I have chosen family. A wise man once said that No man is a failure who has friends. I like that. I may be single, I may not get to snuggle up next to a body at night, or have a fun romp in the bunks.. but there's always new folks wandering in those doors.
In the meantime, I'm gonna have fun dancing and playing music and fixing up this new ship of mine until that magical someone comes waltzing in through that door. I have some folks I'd like it to be, but you never really can tell.
Anyways.. if you're ever on Blackburne, stop on by Firefly's and say hello! I'll be at the bar or the DJ booth or just dancing away, and the first drink's on me!
I've spent a lot of time out in the wastes over the last few months, only coming back to Blackburne on occasion here and there to check on folks and make sure everyone's okay, and of course, to drop off loads of salvage.
Well, I have a reason to stay in Blackburne again. Somehow, I don't wanna know how, don't know the details.. but Nack managed to acquire a Firefly. Yes, a Firefly. He's named her the Osprey II after his previous ship.. but it's an honest to god Firefly. He convinced me to help put her back together and get her running ("Convince" me.. *snortle* Like he could've kept me away!)
So.. A big piece of my life that was missing since I left the Raven has returned. Granted she's not the Raven, obviously.. but this one's just as pretty as Raven was, if not prettier, and I can hear her voice calling to me, telling me she needs me. I'll be staying in town now I think, instead of wandering the wastes looking for something I can't find.
Travelling the wastes affects you, as anyone he's witnessed any of the attacks by the Wasteland Raiders will tell you, or seen Anon's reactions to folks. Supposedly there's radiation out there, and bad stuff in the food and water. I've never so much noticed, myself, other than I seem to be a lot stronger than I used to be, as evidenced by everyone who seems amazed at me swinging my giant salvage hammer around.
Well, apparently the wastes can change you when you're not lookin'. Folks almost didn't recognize me when I got back this time. One time I came back from the wastes covered in a full body set of tattoos of gears, and I didn't know where they came from or how I got 'em, I just kinda felt like they'd always been there. This time, they tell me that I'm shorter than they remember, my hair and eyes are different, and I'm bigger than I used to be. I could understand gaining weight, I guess.. but getting shorter? I dunno.. maybe I'm changing or mutating from living on this rock and going out into the wastes.. Sometimes I even feel like I've got a long tail and animal ears!
I've seen myself in the mirror, and I have to admit, I think they might be right. I don't really remember so much or see much difference, but there's a hint or a tickle in the back of my mind that says they're right.
But y'know something? I like my new look. I feel better about myself than I have in a long time, and I think I look pretty damn sexy this way. I feel good, I'm back among friends and family, those that are still here.. and I don't wanna leave, ever again.
I miss a lot of folks, though. X0X0's missing, presumed dead, Shepherd bought it a while back, and now I hear tell that Imrhien's marriage went South, Hale's moon is having hard times, and she's left Blackburne to go retreat and meditate at a Monastery somewhere. One thing about Blackburne I've come to expect -- folks come, folks go. Some ship in with the freelancers, others ship out, and some just plain out disappear.
Fortunately, we got some hardy folks that seem to be able to survive and thrive on our little world; Folks like me, like Chol and Amy, and Nack and Lauralai and Lorie.. people who are making lives for themselves here, finding love and happiness and family despite the hardships we face.
I have a life here too. It's still somewhat of a lonely life, a solitary one.. but I have friends. I have chosen family. A wise man once said that No man is a failure who has friends. I like that. I may be single, I may not get to snuggle up next to a body at night, or have a fun romp in the bunks.. but there's always new folks wandering in those doors.
In the meantime, I'm gonna have fun dancing and playing music and fixing up this new ship of mine until that magical someone comes waltzing in through that door. I have some folks I'd like it to be, but you never really can tell.
Anyways.. if you're ever on Blackburne, stop on by Firefly's and say hello! I'll be at the bar or the DJ booth or just dancing away, and the first drink's on me!
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