Emotions, weakness, failure, terror, loss, loneliness..

Dear Cortex Diary Thingie,

Tonight was not a good night. I stopped in the bar briefly, and saw Chol outside on the porch. Just as I headed over for a relaxing sit-down, poor Jayne started twitching, and before long, Chol had a call out on the cortex for the Militia 'cos it looked like trouble would be forthcoming.

Normally I'm one of the first to pick up a gun or hammer and head out to do my part to help out the town.. But tonight, I couldn't. My emotions are all messed up lately, and everything's so different and strange lately. I know it's close to the holidays, too, and that never helps. Been thinking about the past a lot lately. Haven't had anyone to cuddle for a while..

So, I failed tonight. It was like the first time the reavers attacked Washtown. I couldn't do anything. I was terrified, couldn't fight back, didn't have the energy to even do much more than to make it to the safety of the bar. Amy and Belize were there, trying to help heal people, but all I could really do is cower in the corner. I feel like such a scared, stupid little girl. Maybe I've been running on false bravado for so long that eventually -everybody- runs out and you gotta breakdown, right?

Amy got mad at Chol because he went out to fight. I'm so lonely right now.. Seems like either everyone's got somebody, or like me, they don't and are lonely. Seems like it's even worse for me even though Belize complains there's not enough men at the bar. Think it's harder 'cos there's so many gals at the bar, but none of 'em seem to be into womenfolk.. or maybe just none of 'em into me. 'Spose it doesn't really matter, though. I guess what makes it hardest of all is because I'm in love with someone. Even if other folks were interested in me, I don't know that I could be with 'em or enjoy myself. Been keeping it mostly to myself, though.. 'cos being in love with folks hasn't been so good the last few times, and I don't know that it matters a whit anyways. So I just watch from afar, or from behind the bar or the DJ booth, and wish for things that I can't have.

Immy came back from her retreat. Said she's training to be a companion. Seems kinda all mellow and zen buddha-ey now. Seems kinda odd from her, but if it's what she needs to find peace, then more power to her. I really want her to be happy, 'cos lord knows, we all deserve a little happiness on this rock of ours.

Just wish God or Buddha or whatever could find his way to givin' me a little happiness of my own too. I guess we can't all be strong and brave and fearless all the time, right? Goddess knows, tonight is one of those nights where I wish there was someone else strong who loved me who could hold me in her arms and rock me to sleep and tell me it's gonna be okay, and we'll make a life for ourselves out on this mudball.

Gorramit, I wanna be special to someone, and I want someone to love me as much as I love them and to have all the romance and passion and everything that goes with it, even the arguments and disagreements and jokes and sickness and pain.. I want that kind of love. I know I'm a sucker and I watch too many "Happy Ever After" vids.. but it's gotta be out there somewhere, right? I mean, there can be Happy Ever After in the 'Verse, can't there?

Can't There?