Cortex Diary, Dec. 23
Something's wrong with me.
I don't know what it is.. but something's definitely wrong. Everything feels wrong. Nothing makes sense in my head.
I feel alone. Even when I'm with everyone at the bar, I feel alone. I feel invisible and unnoticed and unloved and undesirable and just not as good as everyone else. And I know that's not true, but I can't stop feeling it.
I said I wasn't gonna go back out to the wastes anymore.. but I don't know if I can keep this up.. don't know if I can continue to pretend like I'm not hurting. Can't keep pretending to be normal. I'm not normal.
I wonder if I need time away. Maybe head out to the wastes again after the show. Or maybe just lock myself up in the workshop for a while, work on some projects I've been putting off. Just can't keep being around everyone else for a while. Not while they all seem to be having okay lives and I have to keep pretending like mine isn't a pitiful lonely existence.
Maybe Shen wasn't the one who should've fallen on a sword.
Worse still is seeing everyone else -- part of me wants to end it all and be done with it.. and part of me just feels frustration and rage and wants to take it out on all of them. Sometimes feel like I'm gonna start randomly shooting folks 'cos I can't stand to see everyone so gorram cheerful and happy and lovey-dovey. I want to scream.
God.. Buddha.. Whatever.. Something, show me the way. Show me the light. Send me an Angel. Help me, please. Or just leave me alone to die.
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